In the wake of Trump’s blockbuster trade deal with the European Union, which slapped a 15% tariff on most EU exports while securing massive pledges for U.S. energy and military purchases, mainstream media outlets unleashed a symphony of meltdowns that rivaled a toddler’s tantrum over spilled milk. First up, the French Prime Minister François Bayrou’s histrionic declaration that it was a “dark day” for Europe, lamenting the EU’s “submission” to Trump as if the continent had just handed over the keys to the Louvre. Picture Bayrou dramatically clutching his beret, wailing about an alliance of free peoples resigning to vassal status—pure comedy gold, especially since the deal averted even steeper tariffs. Then there’s Viktor Orban, Hungary’s firebrand leader, quipping that “Donald Trump ate Ursula von der Leyen for breakfast,” painting a cartoonish image of the EU Commission President as a hapless waffle devoured by the dealmaker-in-chief. It’s the kind of hyperbolic zinger that had pundits choking on their croissants, turning a negotiation into a breakfast buffet massacre.

Not to be outdone, German industry bigwigs from the Federation of German Industries (BDI) melted down like a forgotten strudel in the oven, branding the deal an “inadequate compromise” and a “disastrous signal” that would hammer their export machine with billions in losses. Imagine stoic Teutonic executives hyperventilating over auto tariffs, warning of economic Armageddon as if Trump had personally repo’d their BMWs—hilarious overkill for a pact that at least kept the trade war from escalating into full-blown chaos. Meanwhile, Yahoo News fueled the paranoia fire with headlines screaming that Trump’s deal was “quite unusual” and stoked “fears of deeper government control,” as if the tariffs were a secret plot to install Big Brother cams in every Eiffel Tower selfie. The vague dread of authoritarian overreach turned a straightforward trade agreement into a dystopian thriller script, complete with shadowy conspiracies that had viewers rolling their eyes harder than a French waiter.

Finally, the Telegraph’s doomsaying about the euro slumping amid fears the deal would “hurt Europe” took the cake, with economists predicting €75 billion in lost output and massive job losses, as if the entire continent was one tariff away from reverting to bartering with baguettes. Add in the French cosmetics industry’s pearl-clutching over 5,000 jobs at risk and pricier perfumes, and you’ve got media personalities hyperventilating like they’d never recover from a world without affordable Chanel. These meltdowns weren’t just reactions; they were masterclasses in exaggeration, transforming Trump’s “biggest deal ever made” into a laugh riot of apocalyptic prophecies and wounded pride.